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  • Skinny Love

    Skinny Love

    Let me preface this by saying this is going to ruffle some feathers. With that being said, I am going to be incredibly vulnerable in this post. If you feel triggered, I encourage you to ask yourself why, then reposition your stance toward empathy. This is mostly for my daughters, who, every day, I am learning, are watching me, and are putting pressure on themselves as a new normal emerges. This is a love letter to you.

    On we go…

    I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s. An era of Kate Moss- Heroin chic, low-rise jeans, juicy velour jumpsuits, and Jessica Simpson being called fat wearing size 4 “mom jeans”. We watched our moms and neighbors drink SlimFast, try out Taebo, and on occasion, a new miracle drug would come on the market that our mothers’ generation would be lining up to test out (Fen-Phen, anyone!?). A generation of women started to rise through an amplification of “skinny is not enough”.

    I was a young girl who never fit a “little girl” body type. In fact, I had horrible style, I was always bigger than most kids, and overall, I was just awkward. I was bullied. I remember the names of the people in 6th grade who called me “MiMi” (from the Drew Carry Show). I remember jumping off a diving board at a pool party and people calling me Shamu. I remember I was never big enough to draw concern for my size, but I was certainly not small enough to fit “society standards”. I was always active, played a ton of sports, but my body was never made to be small. When I got braces in high school and had to have several surgeries on my mouth, it was the first time I saw that my body could shrink. It could be smaller. Smaller pants size, smaller space, smaller effort. I was also going through a horrible breakup with my early high school boyfriend, and being a dramatic teenager, plus not being able to eat, gave me results, if I’m being truly honest, I was proud of. The low-rise jeans looked good on me. This might have been the earliest awakening of what some would consider an eating disorder.

    While I danced through college, my body ebbed and flowed with size. I started gaining weight after I left college and started working full-time, and around this time, I also got pregnant. As many of you know, I had a miscarriage with our first baby. A life-changing event. This led to me having two back to back healthy pregnancies where I gained a ton of weight. I was over 250lbs when I had my son.

    I was so scared through pregnancy that if I did something wrong, I was going to ruin the pregnancy. I didn’t exercise, and I often ate my feelings. After I had my son, I was on a mission to be healthy. I couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without being winded, and I knew that for my kids, I wanted to be more. I hauled them in a double stroller for 3 miles a day, every day, and slowly watched the weight come off. I ate clean and busted my ass. I was able to get into really good shape and then got pregnant with my youngest. With her I continued to exercise throughout the pregnancy and gained only around 40 pounds that came off pretty darn fast. I packed the three kids up every single morning and hauled them to the base gym where the bigs would play and the baby would sleep while I worked out for 45 minutes. During this time, I also found out we were going to be making our first overseas move. After going through three deployments and numerous TDY’s I found myself getting anxious about the move. My body was also starting to shrink beyond just being healthy. When we got to Japan, the plate tumbled over for me. Jason was gone all the time, and I was balancing life alone with three tiny humans, and my mental health was going downhill. So was my relationship with food. I was walking 4 miles a day and eating 3 rice cakes and 2 peanut butter waffles for my daily meals. Coffee didn’t count. I am not going to say I never indulged in food, because I did, but it was minimally.

    Here’s the ironic and incredibly painful part. I was miserable, lonely, and starving myself… and I was never told more often how wonderful I looked.

    I got lost somewhere between becoming healthy and becoming skinny. Subconsiously wanting more and more from my body. Demanding it to produce a smaller verison of itself that simply couldn’t shrink anymore. I finally got help with my mental health when we got back to OKC, and started feeding my body again. I gained weight and lost the affirmation. I wasn’t hearing how great I looked anymore, which is totally okay, but then my broken mind started telling me, “it’s because you’re fat again”. Enter the next round of eating disorders. This time was trickier. I wasn’t shrinking, I was just punishing my body for not being small. It has taken a lot of work and a lot of acceptance to be where I am today. I will be recovering my whole life, and now more then ever I have a reason to.

    Lets flash to now. I was sitting around the pool at my parents’ house a couple of years ago, looking around. Tons of people we love. All the familiar faces, all having similar conversations. Weight loss drugs. Everyone, and I am not exaggerating, everyone was talking about it. How they were on it or going on it. For someone who has had a past with grappling and having a hard time getting a hold of my weight, I understand the attraction to this. I get that for certain people, the drug is literally saving their lives. I have people in my life using it for that. But I also know society is taking this drug and shrinking itself into oblivion in the name of health. Look at social media, look at celebrities, look at our own friends. Let me make this very clear… do as you wish. But when is enough, enough? When do we look around and say there is a very, VERY thin line between healthy and skinny? I know the effects of these drugs are overall absolutely positive, but when does it stop? Do you remember how it felt being 10 and looking around at people, Kate-Moss skinny, and wanting to be that thin? We are doing the same thing to our daughters’ generation. You want to know how I know? It has finally come up in my. house.

    I never hide things from my kids. Protect them, yes. Hide things, no. We have very open conversations about how social media is curated for them like a Michelin-star meal. It is tailored to perfection for their consumption. Nothing is real. Curvy bodies are real bodies. Cellulite is human. Acne and pores are real things. Stretch marks are okay. We practice no negative self-talk. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a stranger. Food is not a punishment; it is a power. Everything in moderation. I say all these things just as much to them as I say them to myself, knowing every single day is another day in recovery.

    I won’t go into much detail out of respect for her own privacy, but my own daughter is starting to question how she looks. The timing couldn’t be more kismet either. I was starting to feel really down on myself and fighting incredibly hard to stay on track. And just when I felt like I was going to fall, my 14-year-old started showing signs of over-conscious body awareness. It snapped me right back to reality. We had a very honest, open conversation about perception. She expressed her insecurities and I shared mine. I had her do an exercise where I asked her if she remembered things about people when we were out, and she said no, reminding her that we are our own biggest critics. But in this moment, I was reminded that our daughters AND sons are watching us. How we move, how we react, how we struggle, how we grow. I swore I would never hand my darkness to my daughters and son. I would educate them, support them, and share the things they need to know to embrace what it means to love yourself.

    In a world that is shrinking, take up space. Teach our children that it’s okay to be themselves. Do what you need to be happy, but being yourself is the best version of that in whatever shape that comes in. Life can be hard and triggering (as much as I hate that word). I have fought my whole life to find balance with food and exercise, and am now surrounded by a culture praising a shot where you have no appetite. I honestly can’t see the difference sometimes. It feels confusing.

    To those who are doing it, this is not a personal backhand at you. Your health and happiness should come above all else.

    For those with a history of unhealthy habits and eating disorders, this society can be a fuel for a fire. It can be hard watching people shrink around you, not because you want that for yourselves, but because of past personal experiences, and not everyone gets access to that. You’re doing great.

    I say all of this because we don’t know each others stories. I certainly haven’t been ready to share mine, but now I sit here with daughters stepping into womanhood in a world that is falling backwards in beauty standards and HOPE that at some point we say, enough. It’s hard enough being a woman in this world; let’s teach our girls what healthy looks like. Healthy brains, healthy habits, healthy growth. They are worthy of space in this world, no matter what size it comes in.

  • How to save a life.

    I’m sitting here in the most opposite side of the world watching tragic news pour in from the States today.

    Shootings.

    A school in Colorado and Charlie Kirk.

    What is going on? Why? Who? Everyone wants answers.

    The easy answer is to point fingers, which, unfortunately, I am seeing the most of. I was going to type out some of the things I am seeing and reading, but to be completely honest, I don’t want to give either side of the rehtoric that kind of platform to spew extreme idiologys.

    Let me tell you a truth that I haven’t heard once today. To take a human life, you first have to value one. With that being said, do not take this moment to walk down a politically charged sidewalk and say that means one thing or the next. It simply means, if you value human life, you don’t have the will to take one.

    Not in a school, not in a Walmart, not at a concert, not on a bus, not while out on a run, not while debating, not while simply living life.

    Never.

    Perhaps it isn’t a missing piece, but rather several.

    That as humans, we take a moment to stop, not just slow down, and really think about what is the driving force for us each day? Who and what is motivating and leading your heart?

    Every single human being’s answer is going to be different. As it SHOULD be different. If your voice sounds like that of your neighbors, are you echoing sentiments because it’s the easy path, or have you taken the time to critically think about the world around you?

    We take the time to sit on social media platforms and lead the charge of being keyboard warriors, but won’t turn around and face the truth that ZERO thought or actions are being taken other than sitting around and self-educating with information that we cherry-pick to feed our own personal narratives.

    How is that right?!

    Truth is not always found on the front pages of CNN and Fox News. Truth isn’t found in a Google search on why someone or something is better than another. Truth isn’t always fun to hear, which is why many people choose to not go searching for it.

    I encourage you to stop. Stop pointing fingers and start having conversations. With your children with your neighbors, with your co-workers, with strangers. But now i’m going to ask you to do something even more important. Perhaps the MOST important…

    Listen.

    You do not know who someone is because of the tiny slivers of life they choose to share. People are made into who they are in the hard moments. The moments that they prevail. You are not better than any person around you, and when you stop to listen and learn, you realize that through the profound differences society has told you would make you hate someone, you realize that actually, it is much easier to love. Empathize. Appreciate. Value. Sometimes you will have a conversation and it’s not going to feel good, and someone isn’t your person, but you learn how to navigate those hard conversations to grow and always remember… hurt people, hurt people.

    But, value is created. There is a human life behind that story, and their story (like it or not) is theirs to tell and yours to learn from.

    So perhaps we save a life by being a ladder, a lifeboat, or a lamp to someone. We practice compassion for our enemies. People will watch hate be overcome by love, and our children will learn how to process and respect someone different than ourselves.

    Politically, there is SO. MUCH. that needs to be done. But that conversation does not belong here now.

    For now, we start healing people from the roots, and perhaps that flows into the stems and leaves of life.

    Look to God.

    Hug your families extra tight tonight.

    -Kinzy

  • Look, ‘Ma. I’m Doing It!

    Another day, another update. Today’s post is not nearly as angsty/emo as my last post. As I have said before and will say one more time, moving is hard. It pulls your emotions around like a ’90s rom-com. I am not going to say this too loud, but I think we are finding our groove, but shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone. *WHISPER*. We don’t need the universe to uno-reverse on us.

    Big things have been happening the past couple of weeks. Pull up a chair, grab a coffee or a wine and let’s chat about it.

    Well, we got a wireless internet puck! The people came out to install our internet 2ish weeks ago and were like “yaaaa…. we can’t, we need to call someone to call someone to get this set up. We will let you know in a couple weeks when we can try to come out again”. It’s island time here in the Bay. We have called (by we, I mean Jas) and tried to get updates the best we can without being Karens, and they still are working on it. We were using our neighbor/owner of this house’s internet, but they cut that off trying to get it set up over here. Can’t make this stuff up. So landlords suggested a wireless wifi puck while we are in purgatory. We ordered it, were ready to rock, and then they said they couldn’t find our address, and the puck was getting sent back. We nodded at each other and just laughed because this is about the flow of things lately. HOWEVER, the devil didn’t win this time, because that sucker showed up at the post office the next day. So the Bonds are all now happily fighting over 300GB of internet. This seems weird and small, but when you realize how much of your life is attached to the internet, you learn how quiet things are without it. Good and bad. I was hotspotting off my phone to finish my school work each week, and we were watching good ole’ local channels. That was a weird blessing with the local channels-thing because at 8pm every night we would all pile onto the couch upstairs and watch some kid’s vet show and then a show called “Smart Quiz Kids”. It was weird, quippy, and perfectly Australian in all the best ways. So while we are still waiting for unlimited high speed, we are creeping along just fine at the moment.

    We had some birthdays! Cruz turned 13, and Everly turned 14. Just a little pod of teenagers now.

    For Cruz’s birthday, he wanted to go to a place, Toboggan Hill Park.

    This place was awesome. They had a little roller rink, bowling alley, putt-putt, and the pièce de résistance was the toboggan ride. First, this ride would never fly in America, but that’s what made it beautiful. You get on these little wheely toboggan things and have a lever that you can push forward or pull backward to slow down or speed up.

    So you sit down on your toboggan, go around a corner, and it clicks into the conveyor belt thing that pulls you up this MASSIVE hill.

    Once you get to the top, it’s up to you and your toboggan how fast you get to the bottom. I was in the back on the first go, and Jason got to be in the front as the pacer toboggan. When I tell you it was SO MUCH FUN. The kids and I went over and over again.

    After having a blast there, we headed to lunch down by the ocean at one of our local favorites. Cruz got a GoPro for his birthday and filmed the whole things, I’ll let you know if I ever see content come from it, but just looking at pictures of him with the GoPro stuck to his head strap will be a great picture to reflect on.

    Everly’s birthday was just under a week after that. Her words not mine, “This was the best birthday I have ever had”. Ummm, just wanted to make sure I heard my teenager say those words correctly. Just kidding, she’s an awesome kid with a heart of gold and grateful beyond words.

    She must have said thank you 100 times that day. We all woke up, she opened her presents we all got ready and made the trek over to the Newcastle area to go to the mall. On the way we made a pitstop at Maccas (McDonalds) for her requested hashbrowns and Powerade. Once we got to the mall we shopped around for a long time before grabbing her some Korean Fried Chicken. On the drive home, we spotted a huge group of Kangaroos, which was awesome. The whole day was whimsical. Long drive, sunshine, and Billy Joel (one of her personal favorites, because she is THAT GIRL). She is a cool kid. Well, young woman. She loves books, art, anime, laughing, and really good music.

    I love getting to be all of their mom.

    While Jaxy didn’t have a birthday, she has been plugging along like a little champ. She and I do a 2-mile walk together every day (when it’s not raining) down by the ocean. We look for sea creatures, talk about life, giggle, make up funny different voices, and sometimes we are just silent.

    We love a good bird spotting. The cockatoos, lorakeets, and kokaburras are top favorites. We realize we have geriatric hobbies, but they make us happy so, ya!

    Speaking of birds. Have you met David and Alexis yet?

    They are our rainbow lorikeets that we have fully taken in. We noticed a set of birds visiting us every day at the same time. When it rained, they would come snuggle up on the porch together.

    They join us for coffee around 7 every day, and if they are feeling extra wild, they will come in the afternoons to visit and scare off every other lorikeet that wants to visit. To make sure they were the same ones, I went and bought some toenail polish and dabbed a little on their toenails and sure enough, they are the same birds.

    When we came over, we had to leave Jude and Josh back in Texas (extra shout-out to our family taking care of them and loving them while we are here). Jude has horrible stomach issues and wouldn’t have been able to make the trip. Josh, on the other hand, loves a hotel room and vacation, but we also knew getting him here and settled, along with the intense travel and being misplaced for as long as we were, would not have been good for them. The birds are never going to be Jude Bond or Josh, but they are giving us a little piece of animal excitement that we are missing.

    We booked a trip to Cairns to visit the Great Barrier Reef! We have travel credits from all the traveling we have been doing, so we decided to cash them in for a long weekend trip before Jason goes into an upgrade that leaves him in a position where he can’t leave for a bit. We have an excursion booked to snorkel about 45 miles off the coast of Cairns, Queensland. I am hearing mixed reviews on the ride out. Smooth waters and rough waters make all the difference, and I’m crossing my fingers that Poseidon is kind to us. I would be lying to you if I told you I’m not nervous to swim out there in the ocean, but I also know this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I would kick myself if I didn’t dive in. Literally and figuratively. We are also considering doing a rain forest tour, but we decided it was best to make sure everyone makes it through without getting seasick before committing to a full-day adventure, the the following day. I am excited to take that trip and give you and update after.

    We are also going on a cruise to New Zealand with my in-laws. They are coming to visit later this year and we plan to take a nice trip with them. New Zealand is to Jason they way Bali was to me. It’s the one place I really, really wanted to go. So the fact that he is getting to see it and experience it with his parents is going to be awesome. It will be summertime here when we are going, so it should be great boat weather for our at-sea days. The kids and I love a cruise, so we are just counting down the days to set sail.

    Babies started school today! They are in an online private academy that provides a considerable amount of flexibility for them. In Australia, their school years are from Jan-Dec which means the kids would have had to fall behind half a year or jump forward half a year when we got here. They also structure schools much differently. After speaking with our school liaisons out here, we decided to continue with the online school path. Everly will be returning to the states as a junior, Cruz as a sophomore, and Jax in 8th grade. Not being on the correct curriculum could significantly impact their graduation and college planning, and that was a risk we just weren’t willing to take. It took us over a month to figure out funding, who to talk to, and get them set up. We are still getting the money aspects settled, but they have fully started in school now, and I think this is going to fit best for our time out here. I couldn’t be prouder of them. There was a little breakdown at dinner the other night about not having the traditional start to high school with friends. I feel that. I can empathize. I hope one day, though, they can look back and reflect that they missed moments like that because they were living around the world and experiencing things firsthand that they would read about in that high school classroom. I know they don’t and won’t understand that now, but one day, that is my prayer. For now, we affirm that their big feelings are valid, that change is really hard, but they are strong, capable, and will kick ass this year. As always, ice cream for the first day!

    I am still humming through school myself. I am starting to dabble with the idea of doubling up on a couple of my classes to make sure that I am done by the time we head home. I will finish by that summer no matter what, but getting it done a little earlier if I can sounds pretty enticing. I really hope I am able to make it back to walk for my graduation. I am not sure if our move back will align, but it is something J and I will chat about because it would mean alot to me to walk that stage, look my babies (and hopefully husband) in the eyes and say “I DID IT”. Through moves, vacations, summers, school with them, and a lot of life, I did it. I am really enjoying my major and my studies. I am currently in a class on ethical standards in behavioral health. I have a couple of weeks left, but this might be the first class I finish with a 100%. The time off this summer was much, much needed. I came back ready and excited again. I am over halfway done, and the idea of getting to persue my own career when we come back stateside make my heart do cartwheels. I have dedicated the majority of my life to raising our babies and being present for J because military life is incredibly unpredictable. At times, I am the only constant they have in their lives. That can be a blessing and a massive burden to carry, but when I tell you I wouldn’t change it for anything, I mean it. I love being my husband’s wife and best friend. I love being a mom. But I am also really looking forward to who I get to be in this next chapter of life. I got a small taste when I was subbing, and it was liberating.

    Jason is still loving his job. It is much different from what he has ever done before, but to know my husband is to know he has a servant’s heart. Helping and advocating for people brings him so much joy. He also got to fly on the new airframe the other day, and he came home with his eyes wide with excitement, like it was Christmas Day. I couldn’t be prouder of his ideas and actions. He is always looking for ways to make things better or reflecting on his actions and how to improve them. I love him. He’s my best friend. We have had more date nights here than we ever had back in Alabama. We love sitting on the porch, having a glass of wine, and watching the sunsets.

    Coffee in the mornings while we listen to the ocean and chat with our birds.

    Having a movie night downstairs and laughing again. We carried a lot the past year and a half with this move, and now that we are here and things are starting to fall into place, we are beginning to see our lighter, more joyful selves again.

    I am grateful that I have a partner in this life who pulls me closer when things get hard. I don’t say this in a boastful way, I say this to remind the world that we wake up choosing to fight for each other every day. Happy marriages don’t just happen; they are worked for. When life gets hard, we decide to wrap ourselves up in one another and then face the world as one. It has worked for us this long, and I have no doubt it will work for us moving forward. You and I can do anything when we do it together.

    That’s about all I got for you now. I know your wine glass is empty now, or your coffee has gone cold while reading, so go get a refresh. It was good catching up with you. I miss you and love you and will update you real soon.

  • Stumble-Blister Phase

    Well, here we are. The start of August in Australia. It has been cold and dreary here for the past couple of days, but before that, it was absolutely beautiful, sweatshirt-leggings-sunglasses kind of weather. We have been here for almost a month and we are…adjusting.

    We have moved into our beautiful home. It was an interesting process, but all of the hours spent on realtor sites before moving here paid off. The house came furnished, and for being as picky as I am, I actually love the furniture and decor. It’s clean, simple, and coastal. We have managed to swing into little shops to find things to stuff in our shelves that bring us joy. Local art, ocean figurines, anything to make a house that is filled with other people’s things feel like ours.

    It’s funny going from a homeowner to a renter again. J and I were sitting and talking the other night about living situations. Where we had been, where we are, and where we will be. We had always lived in military housing, which we loved. When we built our Oklahoma house, it was the first time a move felt truly sentimental. It ended up being a house that we knew from the start we would never stay in forever, due to size, and well, the military. BUT, while we were in it we ended up getting very comfy. So comfy in fact that when we moved to Alabama, it felt like we were losing a part of ourselves. We had some of our dearest friends in that neighborhood. It was weekend get-togethers, football watching, birthday parties, I don’t feel like cooking so I’m coming to your house with a bottle of wine and we are DoorDash-ing dinner tonight kinda vibes. To have a life like that and then move is hard.

    What people don’t tell you about this lifestyle is that every place you go to is a dating-like scenario. You first get somewhere, love-drunk with the newness, and then real life starts to kick in and you realize this is no longer rose colored glasses, it’s real life. Then you start feeling guilty because everyone you love around you (all with good intentions), see your home as a long-week or vacation destination, not the intricacies of what real life brings. I say this for everywhere we live, not just here. You can tell when people are truly invested, as your visitors’ roster changes, it’s actually quite funny. Most military families can attest and laugh at that with full understanding.

    When I share the beautiful things in our life, I don’t only share them to brag. I share them because I am trying to convince myself that I love it too. What you don’t see, and what I don’t like to share, is that I can live on the most beautiful beach, in the most perfect house, but when you don’t have people you love to fill it… It’s lonely. I share pictures to bring along the people I love the most with me, because here, unlike anywhere else we have ever lived, we have not a single piece of America.

    When we moved to Japan, it was incredibly overwhelming. The ages of the kids. Living in a country you don’t speak the language. A husband that was gone, ALL OF THE TIME. However, when we were overstimulated and done, we had our little bubble of base to pop back into where we could enjoy the local Chili’s, BX, Commissary, schools, doctors, coffee shops, etc., that provide the comforts of home.

    We don’t have that here.

    We don’t have a base to lean into. We don’t have a tight-knit community to lean on. This move is the first time we have moved where I felt like we were truly doing it alone. A fear of mine after coming from Alabama was the loneliness. For many people, the year in AL is a great experience. It was not for me. We were leaving somewhere we loved, to go somewhere else for 10 months, knowing we had a massive international move on the other side. Marry that with the fact we lived out in a small town, there wasn’t a lot of room for new. I am social. I love to grab a cocktail with my girlfriends, date night with my husband, fun day trips with the kids. It just wasn’t that for us for that year. So before we left, J and I talked and promised to create that community when we got here to Australia.

    I hope it happens. I do. Right now, I’m still just exhausted. The overstimulation when moving internationally is something I think gets missed. Driving on the wrong side of the road, with new traffic laws. Finding a grocery store. Shopping in grocery stores with new everything (the food standards are incredibly high here, so when I say everything is new, I mean EVERYTHING). You go to a restaurant and pray your credit card works. You get nervous about ordering. Parking… yes, parking. There are places where you can only back into spots. We pulled into one, and you would have thought the world stopped. The second you open your mouth, you are different; your accent gives it away. Having winter in the months that for a whole lifetime have always been summer. Having summer in the –ber months that are supposed to be filled with excitement and pumpkin scented things, not sunscreen. And before you go on thinking and judging, please truly step back and think about missing all of these things. I can be grateful for this opportunity here and adjusting, but also mourn some of my favorite times of the year. With that being said, be a good friend and go get a big Starbucks coffee for me and go stroll the aisles of T.J. Maxx after the first day of school drop off, okay?!

    These are just a couple, but I hope it shows a tiny piece of the things you don’t think about that become things you do. We come home from leaving the house tired.

    Now, we are still new here. The hard things WILL become normal. There will be people we meet that I know will change our lives and our experience here. I am certain of it. Our home with other people’s stuff will one day become a home that is our stuff for now. If I have to be a little scared and alone for a bit, at least I can share it with the sting rays and dolphins down at the beach. We may not have a Starbucks (shhh, don’t judge me), but cafe coffee may be what my soul ordered. In fact, tonight Jason and I are going on a date to a Fleetwood Mac cover band down at our local bar. Maybe we meet some new friends, or maybe we just vibe and enjoy being the latest locals in our little beach town.

    I don’t care what anyone says, change is not easy. It is not impossible, but certainly not easy. J and I looked at each other and asked, in retrospect, would we choose to do this again. I won’t share his answer, but just trust me that it was wonderful. But mine was this: “When an international move gets presented, it’s like someone is trying to hand you the most beautiful pair of Christian Louboutins. They are breathtaking. Have I ever owned a pair? No. Do I want to? Yes, look at them. But then you get them and forget, I don’t know how to walk in 120mm So Kate heels. So you stumble at first, you get blisters, you actually might hate them. The world looks at your feet and thinks how beautiful they are without knowing how bad they may be hurting you. But one day you put them on and they don’t hurt as bad, you don’t stumble as much, and then it happens. You put them on, and it’s routine. You have cracked the code. Now, not only do you not stumble, you glide”. Jason nodded at this. I don’t know if a man could understand the art of Christian Louboutins, but my ladies, you will get it.

    If you are wondering, I am in the stumble-blister phase, but I am a seasoned enough spouse to know that I WILL get to the gliding phase. Resilient or stubborn, I don’t know which one more, but one of the two. Depends on the minute of the day.

    I have my pod. We still have things we are sorting out, but we are loved. We are safe. We are optimistic. We have done hard things before and have made it to where we are now, which means we will do it again. Send us some prayers and love. Growing pains can hurt. The Bonds are strong, and we are excited for this new chapter to start settling into some sort of enjoyable monotony again.

  • Shhheeee’s Baaacckkkkk

    Shhheeee’s Baaacckkkkk

    Good morning…afternoon…maybe night, everyone!

    This post is going to be long, so bare with me.

    Another worldly adventure calls for a fresh new start up of momwifemilitarylife.com. If I do this for no other reason, consider this a personal love letter to my grandparents (they are actually Jason’s grandparents but I have had them more of my life than without them, and they are all I have left in the grandparent department), and they asked if I was going to be starting my blog again. It stoked that flame of excitement to start writing again. So, thank you, Grandma and Grandpa, I hope you enjoy these posts, and to everyone else, I hope you enjoy the splash of insight into this hectic but lovable life I have been blessed to live.

    I am writing to you from my temporary apartment in Australia. As you have all read before, when I sat in Japan saying “I never thought I would be here!”… you can imagine when the call came in for Australia, what my thoughts were. We were actually in the thick of selling our house in Oklahoma when we got the call. I was out cleaning out my car, already massively overwhelmed with the sale of the first house we owned and loved, moving to a state I was not too sure about, to a house we settled for, for a quick 10-month stay. To say my brain was ready for the information we were about to receive would be a lie. J called, and it was a weird time in the day so I answered thinking we had a bite on the sale of the house. INSTEAD, I got hit with a “So, I have something wild I want you to consider…”. If you know anything about the military lifestyle this can mean two things: something really cool is coming or something really scary is coming. I was about to get both. He then drops the “…how do you feel about moving to AUSTRALIA?! You don’t have to answer now, we have some time to think about it”. I was silent, and if you know me, I would like to think I am composed in most situations, and for this instance, I didn’t even know how to respond, so like any normal person, I said “No. Wait, maybe? It would be cool for the kids. No. It’s too much, international moves are expensive, and it is so hard being away. Wait, yes. When can we do this again… okay, okay, wait. Let me think about it. Can I think about it?!” To which he so kindly, softly, and understandingly replied, “We have some time, let’s talk to be people out there, and then we can make some decisions. We have always done what is best for our family, and this will be no different”. Thank you, J, for being the voice of reason.

    So we call and talk to someone over here in Australia and every question we had was met with an answer I either, 1) Was not comfortable with or 2) Was not comfrotable with. I went to bed and prayed to God to speak to my heart where we were suppose to be because laying my head down that night, it was not just a no, but a hard no for me. I woke up and God said to me “I need you there”. I told Jason something bigger than us is intended, if God is providing a way, we need to go.

    So here I sit. The middle of summer-winter in Australia.

    We had a year in Alabama that was a bit rocky. The kids found friends, but were ultimately grappling with the known fact of leaving throughout the time we were there. It’s ironic how hard the last overseas move was with the kids being physically small and having the overload of life, but having kids that are turning into young adults and processing adult size emotions (on top of your own), can be heartbreaking and exahusting on a whole new level. The kids will be doing private online homeschooling here, as the Australian school schedule is Jan-Dec. This would have made the kids fall back 6 months or have to hop forward 6 months in their current grade level. We have been in contact with school liaisons for the last year trying to make sure we can get funding arranged to set them up for academic success. Socially we will be finding a church, finding local sports, and doing our best to connect with our Australian Defence families to form realtionships. So, if you have it in your heart, please pray over my babies. Their young adult hearts are doing amazing, but change as a teeanger is hard, not to mention into a foreign country with no natural connections.

    Jason has been a freaking champion through all of this. He has booked flights, found hotels, booked travel, rented cars, sent messages, asked questions, booked drivers license appointments, opened bank accounts, transferred our money to here, lined up a car to buy, (trying to) set up cell phones, and constantly asking what else he can do to make this smoother. I could name a million more things, but I couldn’t be more grateful or proud to be by his side through this all. I think it gets lost sometimes, the amount of pressure the service member carries through massive moves like this. Feeling like you’re taking your family away from the comforts of family and the normalcy, and chasing a job that, not very often, considers the lives of the people existing around it. Jason is different. He always tells me, “Who I am in the military is important today, but one day, when I step away from that uniform, I want my family standing next to me, not lost somewhere along the way”. I mean, come on. Wouldn’t you move across the world for a man like that, too?! I have the privilege of sitting in the front row, watching him lead, learn, and overcome. The next two years will bring a whole new set of responsibilities for him, and I know that the families and people here will be blessed to experience a piece of who he is along the way.

    For myself. Well. I’m writing again, that’s a win! I took school off for the last month and a half with the move, and I think that is one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has been BUSY. I drove the kids and myself back to Texas a week before Jason came in. Planned him a surprise party to celebrate his Master’s Degree and Lt. Col. promotion selection, we went up to OKC for a couple of appointments and quick overnight trip (First game of Thunder playoffs was that night, THUNDER UP!), I went to the Gaylord for a girl’s night with my cousins, aunt, mom and sister, we moved over to Jason’s family’s house, headed out to Vegas for some best friends time and a change of command, back home to Texas only for 2 days and then hoped on the flight to Hawaii. Are you tired from reading that? Because I sure as hell am tired from doing all of it.

    I had never been to Hawaii, and man, it was MAGICAL. It is one of Jason’s favorite places in the world. We snorkeled, beached, shopped, and ate. We had some of the best Japanese Udon we have ever had since leaving Japan. The Coconut-Macadamia coffee just hit different. The wildlife was amazing, I felt like a Disney princess with the amount of wildlife we got so close to. I hope we can make it back one day because it was something I can’t even put words to.

    We stayed there for a week before hoping to catch our flight to Sydney. We stayed the night there and were supposed to take the train up to Newcastle, but we had too much luggage. We ended up renting a car and driving up, where we are currently staying in a long-term, 2-bedroom apartment until we find our forever-for now house. We have submitted numerous applications, but the process is tedious. You have to pre-apply for a home, and then they decide if you can come to tour it. Then, you have to go walk through it and determine if you like it. If you do, you can proceed with the application process or withdraw it. At that point, we have to contact someone at the US embassy to look over the house and make sure everything is up to code, and THEN we can say yes and sign our lease. Now the embassy stuff is ever-changing so we will see how all that comes together. We have 3 houses we are going on inspections for, so hopefully the right house falls into place.

    We are in the process of buying our car and should receive it at the end of the week, which will give us more freedom to start exploring. We are driving on the opposite side of the road again, much like in Japan. It’s like riding a bike, right?! Eh, we will figure it out because we always do. I have been letting Jason drive and just walking whenever we can, where we can. We use Uber for things that are a bit further away.

    If you have made it this far, thank you. As much as our lives are upside down, I find gratitude in every moment. The horrible situation in Texas pulls at my heartstrings and makes me step back to really appreciate how much I have to be thankful for. Through the challenging moments, the tears, the loneliness, the emotional weight I insist on carrying for my family… I have so much that I GET to work through. As a family, we have been praying over our home state. The unimaginable. God bless Texas and those whos hearts are breaking.

    Australia is beautiful. The people are cheeky. The coffee has been good. The wine has been great. The food tastes clean and not over processed. It’s winter here, so my Elsa-heart is thriving with my coastal gran sweater and the ocean. We have a little under two years left here, and I plan to bring you along with me as much as I can and share the ups and downs of this crazy/beautiful life. Please feel free to share, I’ll leave it public for the world to indulge in these wild adventures!

    Talk soon,

    Kinzy

  • My Pain Is Also My Power: My Testimony

    For my whole life, mental health has been a topic of conversation. I had grown up with the infamous “Black Hole”, famously labeled by the women in my family for the mental state of depression we would all fall in. Genetically I was wired a little off and for the better part of my teenager years admitting that at times that I feel into that “Black Hole” was also my ticket to relief. If I verbalized it, make light shine upon it, then like magic it would also disappear.

    It wasn’t until I experienced one of the greatest losses of my life that I realized that the “Black Hole” I would fall into was so much more then a bad simile.

    I experienced a miscarriage that changed my utter being. I have never been more humbled, scared, felt like a failure, disconnected, or felt depression/anxiety in a way that you couldn’t even imagine something like that would trigger. Through my next 2 successful pregnancies I walked on egg shells scared for these fragile pieces of life to be taken as fast as the first baby was. It was one night when my husband and my mom approached me, I had to finally come to the realization that I was lacking the connection with my beautiful kids because I buried this pain of loss from 2 year before, that it was constantly eating at me every day after. Emotionally. Physically. Finally admitting I had done that disservice to myself by suppressing that loss and finding closure for that baby opened up a new chapter for my perspective and fight toward finally getting rid of the depression that had taken over my life at that point.

    But as one door closes another door opened. As a military spouse, we carry the invisible expectations that society and ourselves have placed upon us. Some attainable, some not so much. Our spouses are thrown into situations that our families and friends in the civilian world don’t even know how to ask about. We are thrown into deployments that we toss on our backs and trek through with a smile on because that is what is “expected” of us.

    Before my husband left for his first deployment I remember mentally feeling so strong but my body telling me otherwise. I was having sharp chest pain that would come and go. I remember thinking “What is wrong with me? I am a 20 something, healthy, young woman. Why is my heart doing this?”. Then it clicked. The “Black Hole” doesn’t just show it’s face as depression anymore, it’s tapping into the physical aspects of my life and I don’t even know it. When he left, the pains stopped and I started to put my head down and push through.

    The physical moments would come and go as he would, like tides in the ocean, high points and low. I didn’t realized how deep in I was until a tsunami overcame me.

    When we lived overseas I noticed my depression and anxiety peaking and I remember promising my mom “If when we come back stateside I still feel this way, I promise I will get help… I’m sure it’s just the tempo of life here, the time J has been gone, life is just painfully not normal, but when we get home it will all be better!” Maybe I was just convincing myself.

    We got back stateside and I hit the bottom on the barrel. I thought I was low before. Now I was really there. Bottom. Of. The. Barrel. I was having dizzy spells. The smallest conversation my husband and I had turned into a head-between-my-knees full on anxiety attack. I was watching TV one night and out of nowhere convinced myself I was dying of a brain tumor and full on lost it. My anxiety and depression had won. I had lost all of my power physically and mentally, they fought the better fight. It was time for help. Help bigger then the mediation, yoga, journaling, affirmations, working out, diet, family, friends, EVERYTHING you could possibly try. I needed more.

    I gave in. I had a doctor confirm that I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety and it was time to medicate. He looked me straight in my tear filled eyes and I said “I feel like I failed.” he looked at me and said “This is the farthest thing from failing” and he couldn’t have been more right. He told me if there was a picture of severe anxiety and depression, my picture would be above it. In a weird way, it was the affirmation I needed.

    Once I got medicated I had the opportunity to give my mind a moment to rest. I never realized how tired I was until my mind got the moment to recharge. When I didn’t have to wake up every morning and fall asleep every night FIGHTING to stay afloat. I had no idea I didn’t have to feel like that all the time. I finally felt free. Liberated. Rested.

    Now, today, I have officially been off full time medicine for a while. My goal was to just do what works, but ideally be able to be weened off, which I did. I still use the pills when I need to because as I have grown, I had to also zone in on what my triggers are. Which by the way, is not always the most fun thing to do. Triggers can be so small or massive, but prior to help and letting myself “reset” essentially, I could have never pin pointed the things I need to remove to make myself happier.

    Helping people makes me happy. Sharing pieces of my low points so others didn’t feel crazy or alone, makes me happy.

    I often pray, every day, multiple times a day. Random things from the gratefulness I am for my able (mending) body. My family and their health. Simply having food in our bellies. But lately God has been speaking to my soul. Calling for me. Showing himself in so many undeniable ways. I had a particularly great workout the other day and decided to take a quick mediation after my workout and the focus of the mediation was gratitude. I closed my eyes and the tears just started flowing and I began to talk to God. I asked him to move through me. Allow me to work for him here on earth. That however he saw fit, just use me.

    Why at 32 was I just praying that from the deepest part of my soul. WHY did it take me this long to ask? Only God knew the answer. Since I have prayed to be a parcel for the Lord, he has been pouring opportunity and light into my life through some of my most lowest lows. What do I mean by that? I have had family, friends, acquaintances come to me asking how to navigate through their mental health. I have been given the opportunity to open a HUGE platform of conversation inside a community that is ACHING for this conversation for as long as I can remember.

    These things have happened when I asked God to use me.

    My pain is also my strength. My lowest moments in life were really just God preparing me and suiting me up with armor to be able to fight for the people around me and create a place of reprieve from something that is so, SO taboo. He is making moves through me. GOD. IS. GREAT.

    In my darkest days I could have never imagined that this would be the outcome. That THIS would be my gift.

    I come to you today a woman healing. To ever say I’m “recovered” would be a lie. I have days that I still get completely overwhelmed and crumble. I will forever fight my demons of anxiety and depression, I CHOOSE to fight. But I will also remind myself that sharing my journey, my pain, my weakness, is also my greatest God given gift.

    If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I won’t always have the right words. I won’t always understand your journey, but I most certainly will listen. I will love you through it. And you WILL GET THROUGH IT. Don’t ever stop fighting because you never have to do it alone. Getting help isn’t weakness. Talking about it isn’t weakness. You are just opening doors to the you that you deserve to be.

  • Hurry Up and Wait

    This last week I have been like many of you. Sitting and watching the world change at a rapid pace. I have watched the president and governors popping on and off our local channels in between local broadcasts keeping us up to date with the virus knocking on everyones front door step. We all wait on baited breath to see what the next step is and what we can do to “flatten the curve”. Every single one of us (with a heart) doing everything we can to make sure we can combat this. But in the midst of all this craziness we were thrown another curve ball… “we” meaning the handful of military spouses who’s significant others are deployed or on extended TDY’s.

    A few months ago we were in the heart of the deployment. We had surpassed the every-so-dreaded holiday slump that comes with having a spouse over seas and then we had Iran thrown in our laps. I don’t think I have been more glued to the news through any prior deployment then I was when all of that started to pop off. I was scared, ill admit it. I would like to think I’m a pretty tough cookie, but that shook me to my core. Once the dust started settling down again I think we all though about how we could coast along to the end. That was our hardship, right?! After something like that, we just gotta get through, right?!?!

    Wrong.

    We were rounding third and running into home base and the world starts to fight a pandemic. Halt everything. Literally freeze. Don’t run home, but don’t go back to third either. You need to stand there smack in the middle. You can see home base, but you already passed third. Stand there. DON’T MOVE. I’m not going to tell you when you can start running again, It will happen. But for now, freeze.

    As you stand there frozen, you start to catch your breath, we have been sprinting for months. Emotionally, physically, carrying the loads of our families. And the exhaustion starts to catch up. But I’m going to ask you to do something right now. Freeze.

    I’m a firm believer that God makes no mistakes. We were chosen in this process to carry this load, at this point for so many reasons. I can’t tell you what they are, I can’t tell you for how long, but I know for many reasons it was because we are strong. Like, really, really freakin’ strong. Just when that light at the end of the tunnel was starting to shine, it disappeared, but guess what? It’s not forever. We have made it this damn far, we WILL make it stronger at the end. We have been training the whole time our spouses are in the military in the art of the “Hurry Up and Wait”, now it’s time to exercise our experience. Does it suck?  Hell ya it does. Are we gonna make it through it? Hell ya we are.

    I’m not writing this to preach “Oh wow, look at us for doing this”, I’m writing this for those that we already at the end of their rope and need to know that even though we are a tiny demographic, we are a demographic. We have communities of other people feeling the same thing. Lean in. If you need help because we have 89257983754 kids and don’t want to get them out in this, lean in. If you are having a hard time processing this because you were already counting down the days, lean in. If you need someone to laugh with, Lean in. If you just wanna sit on FaceTime because you are sick of being alone, lean in. Just LEAN IN.

    I can’t even being to put into words the gratefulness I have for the members of our community that are working around the clock in so many different careers to keep the heartbeat of our WORLD going. Helping. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Tired spouses like me who are trying to figure out how to pick up cat food, keep social distancing, and not get my kids out of the car because I don’t have someone to stay with them, we are grateful for you Walmart car-side delivery people. Seriously, I could cry I am that grateful. Our healthcare workers, Our truck drivers, our fast food workers, our postal service, seriously everyone who is making things continue, WE ARE GRATEFUL.

    This isn’t forever. It may feel like it, but it isn’t forever. Text a sister spouse, tell them how bad ass they are and that you love them and are praying for them, then actually do it. Send a funny meme. Send a bible verse or a quote to lift the mood. Just say I love you, because right now we are just feeling defeated. We don’t need much more then just a friendly pat on the back, because we got this.

    Keep you chins up, virtually take your neighbors hand and lets keep fighting like the warriors we are, no matter what keeps getting thrown at us.

    Inspire.Believe.Succeed.

    -Kinzy B

     

  • The Real Deployment

    Deployment.

    What is the first thought that pops into your head when you hear that word?
    Time. Sadness. Scared. Lonely. Hard. Adjustment. Curiosity. Familiarity. Uncomfortableness. Anxiety. Stress. Overwhelmed.
    I could go on for days. Truth be told, all of those feelings happen durning deployment. It may happen through days, hours, minutes, hell… even seconds.
    You see deployment looks different on everyone. It can be hard because to our civilian friends and family, they see the sadness in our eyes, and hear the strength in our voices when we speak. They see the good fight that we CHOOSE to share. They do their best to compare their spouses business trips and weekend plans to the deployment we are experiencing, and please, as much as you want to scream “THIS IS NOT THE SAME”… try to remember to have grace. Our nerve endings are at an all time high, and I often think when we are at such a raw, vulnerable time someone could sneeze and we would find some sort of reaction from it. Kindly remember they don’t know, they are doing their best to support you, love you, and be some sort of ear for listening in the best way they know how.
    I just watched the most beautiful video on what deployment really was to spouses. One of the most memorable quotes from the video was something along the lines of when people hear your spouse is deploying and you get that oh so wonderful response of “Well y’all signed up for it”… Well listen Susan, that’s 50% true. We knew it was part of the job. We knew it would happen at some point.
    But you know know what we didn’t know?
    That you never know when it’s coming. That more likely then not, it’s going to be over some sort of holiday/birthday/anniversary…maybe even all of them. That our babies DID NOT sign up for this lifestyle, so when their daddy deploys and you watch those tiny little hands swing around their daddy’s neck and they squeeze on for dear life because they don’t quiet grasp the concept of time he is going for, that… that is not what we signed up for. We didn’t sign up to have sick kiddos all day and one parent holding it all together by a hair and then to crawling into a cold bed at the end of the night reminded that for these months, we are both mom and dad and there is no break or tap out. When the car breaks down, bad weather comes, bad news gets handed to us, we take it all on our backs and begin trekking through this deployment and balancing life through FaceTime with our spouse showing we can do it all before taking a cry break in our closet between homework assignments and the nighttime routine.
    But between all the hardships of deployment, something beautiful is born.
    The words…
    Empowerment. Strength. Resilient. Achiever. Motivated. Proud. Loved. Grateful. Blessed.
    These things start appearing. We start realizing that in between the moments of missing the ones we love, we are growing stronger. When something breaks in the house, we fix it. When we have a particularly hard day with sad babies and we manage to talk ourselves out of the anger we want to dive deep into, we begin speaking calmly and fluidly and everything comes to peace, we have achieved avoiding one less screaming match. We begin building this superhuman person. We are machines. We are a different breed. Its something that flips… something turns that sadness to motivation because we are in it, and once we are in it, we are starting our jog to the finish line. Its exhausting, but we are focused and you know what? You are right about one thing. We don’t have a choice. Given the cards we are dealt, we will come out better from this. Greater. Stronger.
    When you have that time away from your spouse, your eyes open to how much you appreciate the things you are given in a relationship. Things that in normal every day life go extremely unnoticed. Be it, help with nighttime routines. A break so you can take a bath in piece. A listening ear at the end of a hard day. Someone to just exist with… that may sound silly but that may be one of the main things I miss when my spouse is deployed. Just existing. You know when you are sitting in bed and you have something silly on TV, your spouse may be playing on their phone or reading a book, you aren’t even talking but you are in the same company, same bed, warm, cuddled up, and safe. Just being around each other knowing you are content in life just living and its perfect and ok because you are together. Have you not thought about that lately? Take those moments in, because those moments are some of the moments we miss the most.
    After growing… a lot… emotionally, physically, spiritually, we get prepared for the homecoming. We plan for weeks what we are going to wear, how we are going to do our hair and makeup, to finally the pinnacle of those instagramable moments of first reunited kisses and priceless hugs. Months of stress, tears and strength all melt away in those first few reunited seconds. What you don’t see is the weeks after…where after months apart, we all have to find our footing again. From handling every single thing and having that well oiled machine torn apart, it can be quiet the humbling experience for everyone. Learning to relinquish the reigns after months of being the heartbeat of the operation can come as a shock to all. We have to relearn how to work in our every day lives again. We have to figure out where we all fit. Those are the moments you don’t see after the fact.
    No matter how many times we have gone through this it is still something that is ever changing every single time. Not one single deployment has looked the same. As we grow, our kids grow, our relationships grow, we have to evolve and change with whatever is served up for us. We will be faced with new challenges that are aren’t even in our realm of thinking, but we will all over come it. We will come to breaking points only to realized they weren’t breaking points, they were speed bumps and that as tough as they were or are, we are stronger. We will find our community in people we never knew existed before going through deployment or in faces that before deployment, were only acquaintances. We will find that sometimes leaning in to people isn’t a sign of weakness, but a necessary step to get through to the other side. We will look back once the dust has settled and we are standing on top of that post deployment mountaintop and see how high we have climbed as spouses, parents, and most importantly, as individuals.
    Deployment brings on SO. MANY. EMOTIONS. And just like a fingerprint, it is different for every single person. Know you never have to do it alone. Reach out when you need help. And take pride in the journey you are walking because it take a STRONG ASS PERSON.
    You can and you will. Don’t forget that.
    Inspire. Believe. Succeed.
    -Kinzy

  • Life In The Heights’: My Love Letter

    It’s not a secret that Japan was not the top place on my list of places I wanted to live. In fact it never really was. When we found out we were moving here I had a full on panic attack. Im talking head between the knees, call my momma in a panic, holy shit it’s happening kinda moment.

    When we found out we were moving here I got in touch with a friend of a friend, who after some pestering and questioning, ending up stepping in as our sponsors. For those of you who aren’t familiar with overseas moving in the military, they offer you a family who essentially steps in and helps arrange things for you during your move. Book hotels, run you around to find cars to buy, help set up cell phones, even buy you a set of groceries that is waiting for you upon arrival in your temporary living. When we arrived we had a handful of friends we had known from our previous station and our kind sponsors even had a little get together with everyone while we were settling in.

    For Thanksgiving, which just happened to fall a few days after our arrival on island, our sponsors-turned new friends hosted a huge Thanksgiving as a joint celebration with her neighbor. I remember her telling me “Yes, my neighbor is so sweet, we decided to go ahead and have this Thanksgiving together just so it’s easier for everyone, it’s going to be great”. Honestly, I was just gracious that anyone would go out of their way to host a new family to the island. So as we got ready that day and headed up to their house, we ending up going up this hill (or tiny mountain) to this neighborhood that sat quietly tucked away from the rest of the base. You wouldn’t know you were there unless someone guided you. As we walked into the Thanksgiving dinner, I met the neighbor my new friend had told me about and thanked her for having us. I walked into her backyard and remember being enamored. You could see out across these rolling hills into Japan, with a HUGE tree that stands in her yard. All the kids running in and out of the house down to the park,  running free as can be. I remember looking at my husband and thinking, how the hell can all these kids run around like this and no one is worrying?! (Japan, that’s why.) It was a glimpse at my future before I even knew it was.  We still had not been assigned a house yet but I remember leaving that evening and my new friends pointing across the street and saying “They have been working hard on B over there, maybe y’all will get that! That would be so cool”. Sure enough, a few days later God had a plan a gave us that house and we were picking up our keys to move into the heights’.

    With it being our first year and Christmas away from family (ever), it was super important to me to have a house decorated and ready to go. I went to the BX and bought a tree, lights, a few rugs, presents, wrapping paper and headed up to the house by myself and started going to town so the next day when my family came home, they would in fact have a HOME to move into. As I sat there wrapping in the quiet I felt this sadness in the pit of my stomach and just started missing home. In that exact moment my door bell rang, I had no idea who knew I was in the house or how, but it was my new friend and her neighbor that had hosted Thanksgiving. They had a bottle of wine and 3 plastic cups. I teared up immediately. Their timing was impeccable and they didn’t even know. We sat that night talking until 12am about life, and when they left that evening, I knew I had found my people and we undoubtedly made the perfect decision in moving up here.

    We were the first few up on this little block to connect but through time have been blessed with neighbors that just began to trickle in, and without question, we got to watch God place his puzzle pieces together through each new family that moved in. We would vet our neighbors as the older families that had been here moved out. When the empty house next to us was finally done my other neighbor and I would text back and forth about the families and go out and “run into them”… don’t judge me, I know you all do the same thing. There was a particular woman I saw one day, I went out and talked a bit and knew she had to be our neighbor. I text my other friend that day and told her they were coming back to look that evening. When they arrived to take a look we were both outside and all talked for a bit before they decided to say they were moving in. We hit the jackpot because they were just another puzzle piece to throw into the mix.

    We have a park that sits in the middle of the houses that has seen us in tears because we have been confronted with horrible situations that comes to light at a vulnerable moment. Tears of laugher that come rolling down our cheeks in the most unpredictable moments. That park has been ripped down and rebuild (with our initials carved in the wet cement that lies below the padding). A pavilion that has watch us order pizza on more nights then we can count because the kids are having so much fun and the wine is tasting so good that its not worth leaving. The kids play until the moon shines bright or until it gets dark enough that we start worrying about Habu’s we can’t see (hahaha). The basketball court that has watched ALL of our babies learn to ride 2 wheel bikes. The new mom friends you meet and love to run into. We all know who’s babies belong to who and get excited to catch up on traveling adventures, lend support to someone who’s spouse may be gone, or just share a glass of wine because they need it. That park had become the Mecca of the tap-out. “Im done parenting right now, please go run it out with the neighborhood kids so momma doesn’t loose her shit tonight” and as a community, we are all ok with that.

    We as a community have been there for each other through the pain. The pain of loosing a family member and not being able to go home to be there when you feel like you need to be. A card that shows up on your counter, a bouquet of flowers waiting on your porch with a card reminding you that prayers are being sent up for strength and healing. The pain of loosing animals. Going through loss and sadness a world away and feeling helpless only to have a neighbor show up at your door with a warm meal and hug letting you know you don’t have to walk through it alone.

    We have been there for each other through sickness. Running into each other’s house in a full panic when a fever has gotten to high or a lip has been busted and everyone just assuming their positions knowing who to help, what babies to shuffle where and when to just stop in the moment and boast a calm “It’s ok, we are getting this taken care of”. A bottle of motrion shows up on the counter or a friend taking their lunch break to swing by chicken noodle soup and sprite because #StomacheBug. (Those get left of the porch though cuz, love ya mean it, but don’t want it).

    The community husbands never let us down. We always joke that somehow they work it out so at least one husband is around to do the honey-dos. They always step in to mow the lawns. Teach us how to make our damn fire alarms shut up when the battery is running low. Break off door knobs to the bathroom when the baby locks themselves in there (and housing dosen’t give us keys for the door) . Cook us dinner on nights that he knows we all need a break cuz we DONE, DONE. Help break down patio furniture and store it all away because typhoon season means Mother Nature is a moody one and I don’t want to give up my comfy patio unless I absolutely have to… oh, and I’m scared of the man eating size of the huntsman spiders that camp out in it. To aerate our wine. To play with all the neighborhood kids because everyone’s dad has been gone A LOT. To have lunch and actually step in as a dad figure sometimes because all of our amazing husbands are also friends and know that their friend appreciates them being there when they can’t be.

    My back porch is a place that knows all. A place that became a place of refuge and where the drinks floweth over, grilling is aplenty, and many wise idea’s bloomed.  Vacations, daytime adventures, parties, that porch knows all. It has seen tears of pending goodbyes. It has seen so many bottles of wine that it would make a winery jealous. It has seen some of the best last minute get togethers you could imagine, my favorite being the bring-your-own-pool party. Thats right. We blew up a bunch up pools, filled our coolers, grilled some meats, and swam and drank until the water balloons got broken out and an all out war began. Easter dinners, post wine-night conversation, and absolutely no theme at all, my porch has seen it all.

    Our last 3 years here have been life changing.

    Emotionally. Financially. Physically.

    We have watched our whole neighborhood mature. Our toddlers are kids. Our kids are young adults. Our husband’s mature through their careers that are ever changing and high paced out here. Our friendships naturally bloom into a family tree that we are so blessed to have away from everything we ever knew. We, here in the heights’, have more love and support then I could ever put into words. As lonely as it is living across the world, up here we have a family. We aren’t perfect, but we love that and embrace it. We have safety, we have community. We have something that if you only get to experience it once in your lifetime you are blessed, and we all have.

    So to all the families we have had the privilege of living with, loving, and becoming a family these past 3 years, wether it be my park mom-friends, my neighbors who come join us on the patio for drinks, my friends that I welcome into my home, I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you. You have been a piece of my life I will never forget. This little community at the top of this hill is a tiny piece of heaven and a secret refuge that all of us have had the privilege of experiencing together. So for the new families carrying on the reigns, remember to extend your home and your heart, it moves forward here with you. To the families that have been here with us and recently left, I carry you with me and am grateful for the gift of the community.

    So although we have a couple months left, we are slowly closing this chapter and this is a chapter that will be in bold and italicized for me for sure. I have been gifted lifetime friendships here and I could not be more blessed to call y’all my neighbors and friends!

    I love you, Heights’ folks, and I promise to take this community love onto our next chapter.

    Inspire. Believe. Succeed.

    -Kinzy

     

     

  • Bullying: My Kid’s Story

    When you become a parent, no one provides you with a handbook on how to raise this tiny human you just took 10 months growing. There is no step by step picture book. There are no neon lights flashing in arrows pointing down a path that says “This way to the right path!”. Honestly every day is just a gamble to raise a good kid. A God fearing, well mannered, respectful, courageous, kind, selfless, open minded, child. We spend a lifetime trying to perfect these skills. At the ripe age of 30, I still wake up reminding myself to be the example of all these things in all I do so my kids can mirror my actions and not my mistakes. But somewhere along these lines, people miss that cue. Their kids miss that cue. That’s when those abilities we try so hard to instill in our children disappear and these tiny little bullies start to take over.

    I will never forget the day I was sitting down at the park and a mother came up to me and said “Is that your son?” as she pointed across the park to my kid. I looked at her and then glanced over at a couple of my friends to see if they had any clue on what was going on, only to receive a quick head shake and shrug. “I looked back at her and said yes, why?” She immediately went on to tell me that her son wrote my son a letter of apology for punching him at school the other day. I did everything in my power to keep my composure and acted like I knew what was going on… the truth was, I had no idea. Her son went on to throw a fit about the fact that he had to give the letter to me WHILE he was down playing at the park (WTF!??) and I sat there, trying to listen to whatever was happening around me. Once he gave me the letter and they left I looked at my friends with tears starting to well up in my eyes and said “What is going on?! What is this all about!?” I looked around the park for my son who was riding his bike. Laughing. Playing with his friends like nothing in the world ever happened. I called him over and said “Buddy, we need to go home and talk…”

    Let me preface this with, we are a very open household. I ask my kids every day what’s going on at school, what activities they have done, friends they played with, homework questions, life in general best and worst things that have happened all day. I make it a point to always have a different topic and conversation so they don’t know what to expect every single day and we don’t get the same monotonous answers. We know there is no judgement, there is nothing to hard or to big that we can’t talk about. I want my kids to always know right now in life we aren’t friends, but we are family, and I am here to shield you and help make the decisions that you might not like right now, but you will get through and be better for. So, with all that being said…

    We came inside and I sent my girls to play upstairs. I sat my son down on the couch and looked him straight in the face and I said “Son, were you bullied?!” He immediately locked up and said “I don’t know momma…” as tears started to build in his eyes. If you know my son at all he is THE kindest, softest soul you will ever meet. The child can’t lie for the life of him. He has the softest aura you have ever seen (or that he lets the world see) but he undoubtably has the strongest heart and mind. He can hold it together better then any adult I have ever met and he NEVER sweats the small stuff. I admire him. There are so many things I see in him that I know mirror his daddy, because the are so, so similar. So, as I sat there and looked into his tiny eyes I asked him about what happened at school. He proceeded to tell me a child approached him at recess, punched him in the mouth (hard enough he had to go to the nurses office because it was bleeding) and that he “just forgot”. The school didn’t notify me. The nurse didn’t notify me. My kid didn’t notify me. Amongst being so sad for my kid, I was livid. My first priority was my son. We talked about what happened leading up to this, we talked about it happening in the moment, we talked about what to do should it happen again, we talked about how to advocate for other kiddos since we now as a family knew what it felt and looked liked to be bullied. It was a long conversation, lots of questions and answers, but we both walked away knowing that he can always come to me and tell me and I will be the first one there to help him, but that he also has the power to stand up for himself in and by all means. And that no matter how scary or “how much he didn’t care, he was fine”, he HAD to start communicating with and adult about these things when they happened.

    I put him to bed that night, we said prayers thanking God for our beautiful lives, prayed for people that may hurt us because they are hurt. I kissed him goodnight and I walked into my room, shut the door and started bawling. My husband was out of town for the month on the other side of the world for work, so there I sat alone… I sat there alone questioning everything. How did my baby not remember to tell me? How could ADULTS not tell me? Who could hurt this sweet little dude and WHY?! I sat and cried because I had to discuss BULLYING WITH MY SIX YEAR OLD. And… I never knew it happened. I failed him. I missed a cue. I didn’t open a door of communication for him to tell me.

    After many emails, face-to-face meetings and me raising hell, the point was across that this would not happen again.

    He came home 3 days after this and said the child approached him again and suggested a fight. My son told me that he immediately told the child “You hurt me last time, I don’t want to fight with you, I don’t like to do that!!!” and thank God, the child left him alone. I was proud. He told me this time immediately. He was proud, he stood up for himself and didn’t have to be physical, that is not who he is. I gave him permission to stand up for himself. I told him to always use words and communication first and foremost, but if anyone were to attack him again, he had every right to defend himself to get himself out of that situation to find help.

    You see, this had nothing to do with anything other then a child being horribly mean. Neglect. You know the saying “Hurt people, hurt people” and I couldn’t find that to be more true. I know nothing about the bully. I know the things I see by watching and hearing as a parent around the school, I know the neighborhood round up on all our kiddos. But I don’t know this situation. I DO know that empathy is something I work on and want my children to see. But I also know habits are watched and learned, then they a mirriored to the people around us. As parents, we have to watch and be attentive. I’m not saying hover over every action and word, but know that OUR TINY HUMANS ARE WATCHING US. They are watching the friends they run around with, so KNOW THEIR FRIENDS. When we are exhausted at the end of the night and suggest them to watch TV or a video game so we can take a break (because it happens), KNOW WHAT THEY ARE WATCHING. They aren’t just born this way, they are created.

    I share this with you as a mother to a mother. Talk to your babies. Talk to them about the hard stuff. This can be an ugly world we live in, but it can also be in our power to raise these beautiful ray’s of sunshine that can overcome hatred, hurt and bullies. That good CAN outshine and prevail.

    This time we won the battle, but I have a feeling for the rest of this “growing up thing” we are going to be waging a war. A war that I want my kids to know we are in arms with. That I will stand on the front lines in full armor for them, ALWAYS. That no matter how big or small we will get through it together. I didn’t think it would be happening with my 1st grader, but here we are. So now, we are suited up together with an open line of communication ready to walk forward in faith and strength with the family and friends surrounding us. Bullies may have the power in the moment, but they will never be given the power to dictate the actions in our lives, we have that control and that is a lesson I will forever be preaching to my kids.

    “We are the makers of our actions, not others. It takes a massive amount of control to remember in a time of anger, that you have the power of your reaction”. Lets be honest, I need to be preaching that to myself hahaha.

    I hope if this rings a bell with you that you and your family have found peace and guidance through this, because it is a hard one. It’s one of those you prepare for it but don’t expect it to happen, kinda things. So I send you love, strength and prayers. If you are starting to talk about it, you are already starting to change it.

    Sending love and light!

    Inspire. Believe. Succeed.

    -Kinzy