Mom. Wife. Military Life.

He’s been gone for 3 weeks, a normal/usual amount of time for him to be gone. We have done this a million times and will do it a million more. After a long day wrangling 3 kids, the phone rings.

Me: “Hey… what’s up?”

Him: “Hey, how was your day?”

“Well, I’m in the middle of trying to get dinner together and kids bath stuff set up…”

“Oh, ok…. I can call back in a little bit, we’re about to head out to dinner.”

“Alright, sounds good…”

“You Okay, baby?”

“Im fine. I love you, ill talk to you in a bit.”

“Ok, I love you. Bye Baby”

That’s my simple answer. “Im fine.” I use it always. I mean it always. For me, “Im fine” falls somewhere in the middle. No, Im not sinking to the bottom of a black hole abyss crying my days away wishing we were never part of this military life, but I’m not clicking my heels in excitment screaming from the roof tops my undying love for flying solo for good chunks of time either.

Im just fine.

I say it to my husband so he can focus on his mission wherever he may be. I say it so he knows that the kids and I are making it through the days just fine. I say it because its my short and sweet way of saying “I got a million things going on right now and with all due respect I can’t chit-chat” and he gets it. As I’m doing “fine”, so is he. His “Im fine” falls more under the “Im on the other side of the world and as nice as it is to put my head down and focus knowing you and the kids are ok, and as nice as it is to go out to dinner with my friends after work and enjoy a cold beer, there is nothing more lonely then walking into a quiet, cold, hotel room and and climbing into empty bed”. He has his version of “Im fine” too and I have to humbly remind myself of that on occasion.

I say it to my kids when I’m on the verge of loosing my ever-loving mind. We could have run around all day doing fun things… beach, swimming, out to dinner, get home get them set up with a movie and I finally sit down and then its like their little minds just start going off with every thing they forgot to ask me for throughout the day… “Hey mom, can I  have a snack? Some water? Some socks? Some dust from the surface of Mars?”…. ok, you get my point. I often respond with a huff and “Right now? Really? Couldn’t have asked 30 seconds ago when I was asking if there was anything else you needed?”…. “Geez momma, why are you so grumpy?!”… “IM FINE…”… That my friends, is the version my kids get. The “momma is on 17,000 steps on her Fitbit today because you couldn’t have asked for juice the 6 times before when I asked you” version. And when it comes down to it, I know thats parenthood in general…. and I wouldn’t change it FOR THE WORLD. It gets monotnous and ground-hog day-ish when your flying solo. It’s exhausting, but it’s also rewarding. There is absolutely no better feeling in the world after getting through a particularly long  TDY or Deployment knowing that you did it. Nope, you weren’t on the front lines of a war, but you were at home keeping a whole family afloat and that deserves a moment of appreciation as well.

I say it to myself. This to me resonates the most. I can’t tell you how many times a day I repeat “Im fine” to myself. I say it when I have rough days and with tears filling my eyes as I wash the dishes… “You did it… The kids are alive, you are alive, everyone is fed, everyone is mostly clean, all is good….. I’m fine”. I say it as I lay on the beach watching my babies splash in the water and collect sea shells “I’m doing just fine!”… it’s like the sisterhood of the traveling pants of sayings, It just always fits. No matter how happy or how sad I am, I truly am always fine.

I live a beautiful life, with a beautiful family, a handsome husband, and incredible friends. When life falls bellow the “fine” mark I have constant reminders and pillars to help pull me back up to that happy medium. This lifestyle can be all consuming. It can be easy to loose yourself while feeling you have to hold so many other people up. It takes a lot more then just me to be “fine”…. it takes allowing perspective in and realizing that everyone else is walking right there with me.

So right now in this very moment, Im doing juuusssst fine.

Inspire. Believe. Succeed.

Kinzy