Mom. Wife. Military Life.

When you become a parent, no one provides you with a handbook on how to raise this tiny human you just took 10 months growing. There is no step by step picture book. There are no neon lights flashing in arrows pointing down a path that says “This way to the right path!”. Honestly every day is just a gamble to raise a good kid. A God fearing, well mannered, respectful, courageous, kind, selfless, open minded, child. We spend a lifetime trying to perfect these skills. At the ripe age of 30, I still wake up reminding myself to be the example of all these things in all I do so my kids can mirror my actions and not my mistakes. But somewhere along these lines, people miss that cue. Their kids miss that cue. That’s when those abilities we try so hard to instill in our children disappear and these tiny little bullies start to take over.

I will never forget the day I was sitting down at the park and a mother came up to me and said “Is that your son?” as she pointed across the park to my kid. I looked at her and then glanced over at a couple of my friends to see if they had any clue on what was going on, only to receive a quick head shake and shrug. “I looked back at her and said yes, why?” She immediately went on to tell me that her son wrote my son a letter of apology for punching him at school the other day. I did everything in my power to keep my composure and acted like I knew what was going on… the truth was, I had no idea. Her son went on to throw a fit about the fact that he had to give the letter to me WHILE he was down playing at the park (WTF!??) and I sat there, trying to listen to whatever was happening around me. Once he gave me the letter and they left I looked at my friends with tears starting to well up in my eyes and said “What is going on?! What is this all about!?” I looked around the park for my son who was riding his bike. Laughing. Playing with his friends like nothing in the world ever happened. I called him over and said “Buddy, we need to go home and talk…”

Let me preface this with, we are a very open household. I ask my kids every day what’s going on at school, what activities they have done, friends they played with, homework questions, life in general best and worst things that have happened all day. I make it a point to always have a different topic and conversation so they don’t know what to expect every single day and we don’t get the same monotonous answers. We know there is no judgement, there is nothing to hard or to big that we can’t talk about. I want my kids to always know right now in life we aren’t friends, but we are family, and I am here to shield you and help make the decisions that you might not like right now, but you will get through and be better for. So, with all that being said…

We came inside and I sent my girls to play upstairs. I sat my son down on the couch and looked him straight in the face and I said “Son, were you bullied?!” He immediately locked up and said “I don’t know momma…” as tears started to build in his eyes. If you know my son at all he is THE kindest, softest soul you will ever meet. The child can’t lie for the life of him. He has the softest aura you have ever seen (or that he lets the world see) but he undoubtably has the strongest heart and mind. He can hold it together better then any adult I have ever met and he NEVER sweats the small stuff. I admire him. There are so many things I see in him that I know mirror his daddy, because the are so, so similar. So, as I sat there and looked into his tiny eyes I asked him about what happened at school. He proceeded to tell me a child approached him at recess, punched him in the mouth (hard enough he had to go to the nurses office because it was bleeding) and that he “just forgot”. The school didn’t notify me. The nurse didn’t notify me. My kid didn’t notify me. Amongst being so sad for my kid, I was livid. My first priority was my son. We talked about what happened leading up to this, we talked about it happening in the moment, we talked about what to do should it happen again, we talked about how to advocate for other kiddos since we now as a family knew what it felt and looked liked to be bullied. It was a long conversation, lots of questions and answers, but we both walked away knowing that he can always come to me and tell me and I will be the first one there to help him, but that he also has the power to stand up for himself in and by all means. And that no matter how scary or “how much he didn’t care, he was fine”, he HAD to start communicating with and adult about these things when they happened.

I put him to bed that night, we said prayers thanking God for our beautiful lives, prayed for people that may hurt us because they are hurt. I kissed him goodnight and I walked into my room, shut the door and started bawling. My husband was out of town for the month on the other side of the world for work, so there I sat alone… I sat there alone questioning everything. How did my baby not remember to tell me? How could ADULTS not tell me? Who could hurt this sweet little dude and WHY?! I sat and cried because I had to discuss BULLYING WITH MY SIX YEAR OLD. And… I never knew it happened. I failed him. I missed a cue. I didn’t open a door of communication for him to tell me.

After many emails, face-to-face meetings and me raising hell, the point was across that this would not happen again.

He came home 3 days after this and said the child approached him again and suggested a fight. My son told me that he immediately told the child “You hurt me last time, I don’t want to fight with you, I don’t like to do that!!!” and thank God, the child left him alone. I was proud. He told me this time immediately. He was proud, he stood up for himself and didn’t have to be physical, that is not who he is. I gave him permission to stand up for himself. I told him to always use words and communication first and foremost, but if anyone were to attack him again, he had every right to defend himself to get himself out of that situation to find help.

You see, this had nothing to do with anything other then a child being horribly mean. Neglect. You know the saying “Hurt people, hurt people” and I couldn’t find that to be more true. I know nothing about the bully. I know the things I see by watching and hearing as a parent around the school, I know the neighborhood round up on all our kiddos. But I don’t know this situation. I DO know that empathy is something I work on and want my children to see. But I also know habits are watched and learned, then they a mirriored to the people around us. As parents, we have to watch and be attentive. I’m not saying hover over every action and word, but know that OUR TINY HUMANS ARE WATCHING US. They are watching the friends they run around with, so KNOW THEIR FRIENDS. When we are exhausted at the end of the night and suggest them to watch TV or a video game so we can take a break (because it happens), KNOW WHAT THEY ARE WATCHING. They aren’t just born this way, they are created.

I share this with you as a mother to a mother. Talk to your babies. Talk to them about the hard stuff. This can be an ugly world we live in, but it can also be in our power to raise these beautiful ray’s of sunshine that can overcome hatred, hurt and bullies. That good CAN outshine and prevail.

This time we won the battle, but I have a feeling for the rest of this “growing up thing” we are going to be waging a war. A war that I want my kids to know we are in arms with. That I will stand on the front lines in full armor for them, ALWAYS. That no matter how big or small we will get through it together. I didn’t think it would be happening with my 1st grader, but here we are. So now, we are suited up together with an open line of communication ready to walk forward in faith and strength with the family and friends surrounding us. Bullies may have the power in the moment, but they will never be given the power to dictate the actions in our lives, we have that control and that is a lesson I will forever be preaching to my kids.

“We are the makers of our actions, not others. It takes a massive amount of control to remember in a time of anger, that you have the power of your reaction”. Lets be honest, I need to be preaching that to myself hahaha.

I hope if this rings a bell with you that you and your family have found peace and guidance through this, because it is a hard one. It’s one of those you prepare for it but don’t expect it to happen, kinda things. So I send you love, strength and prayers. If you are starting to talk about it, you are already starting to change it.

Sending love and light!

Inspire. Believe. Succeed.

-Kinzy